I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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