I feel great
I just peed on a car
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Michael Bay diarrhea
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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