Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
