If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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