After last night, I could never be a politician.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
