Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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