Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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