Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
