can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
