i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
