Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
