mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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