When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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