I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
