either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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