apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
