Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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