If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
there is glitter all over my balls
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
