My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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