Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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