I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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