How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
