everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
