The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
