i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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