Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
