i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
