Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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