Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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