how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
