Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
