I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
