Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
