I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
