my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he thought i was a dude.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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