i would punch a child for taco bell
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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