I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
