Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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