I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
