sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
