...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
