You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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