Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
