I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
