I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
