he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
