The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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