Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
