is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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