I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I could make wine with my vomit
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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