I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
