This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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