Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
