my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
