one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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