the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
