i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
